Jehovah’s Witnesses

The last time I accidentally opened the door to Jehova’s Witnesses was on a hot, summer afternoon in Hampden. I was expecting a package so when the doorbell rang I opened it but instead of  the postman with a new pair of shoes there were two elderly black ladies smiling up at me and I thought, “Oh shit.”

One of the reasons these situations are so stressful for me is that I am completely, almost pathalogically incapable of being rude to strangers. I could not tell them to fuck off, or slam the door in their earnest little faces any more than I could flap my arms and fly away from them.

“What’s your name, dearie?” one of them asked, and I felt obliged to tell her. She handed me a Watchtower pamphlet, and a few leaflets full of information about the hell I’m currently damned to and asked me very pleasantly if I was interested in salvation.

“Thank you very much for these,” I said, “but I’m just not interested. But thank you.” I moved to close the door, but the other old lady started telling me, very kindly, a whole list of reasons why Jesus Christ wanted me to be saved, and how only through the teachings of blah blah blah de blah would I something something something and I sat there, trapped, uncomfortable, kind of angry.

“Thank you very much,” I said firmly, “But I’m-” the lie came to me suddenly, “Jewish.”

I smiled regretfully, sure that that would be an end to it. And they did look taken aback for a second. But then the first one regained her composure and said,

“Well, aren’t Jews interested in salvation? Don’t your people want to go to heaven too?”

“The baby’s waking up from his nap,” I lied again. “I have to go. Terribly sorry! Thank you again so much for these!”

Today I learned another difference between Turkey and America: Turkey has the worst Jehovah’s Witnesses.

I was standing outside work gazing forlornly at the trees in the park across the street- it’s a gorgeous day, sunny and not too hot- when a man came up and asked me something in Turkish. When I informed him that I spoke English he switched gears and asked me fluently if I had ever heard of the Jehovah’s Witnesses. He smiled hopefully and help out a pamphlet.

“I have,” I said, bracing myself for a couple of excrutiatingly uncomfortable minutes, “And thank you but I’m not interested.”

“Oh,” he said. “You aren’t? Well, have a nice day.”

And he walked away. Just like that. And I stood there staring after him, appalled that he would let my soul go without a fight.

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10 Comments

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10 responses to “Jehovah’s Witnesses

  1. ck.terrific

    My friends had a house in North Carolina that was plagued by JWs. They resorted to impaling some mannequin heads, bloodying them up real good, and scattering them around the front gate. Apparently that was a bigger deterrent than “We are a household of secular jewish queers who spend our days drinking, practicing non-monogamy and holding drum circles. Please leave us to it.”
    I wish they’d known that all they had to do was move to Turkey.

  2. ” the lie came to me suddenly, “Jewish.” Hysterical!

    I had a pre-made up sign that read:
    “Go Away – This Means You”
    Whenever I see couples walking up my street with pamphlets in their hands, I’d stick it on the door.
    Once I forgot to remove that sign. And I nearly lost an old and dear friend!

    Guess I’ll have to think up some other escape.
    I get as many Xtians at my door as I do JW’s…

  3. Pingback: Jehovah’s Witnesses, Update | wasconstantinople

  4. Carolyn Neal

    “She handed me a Watchtower pamphlet, and a few leaflets full of information about the hell I’m currently damned . . .

    “Thank you very much,” I said firmly, “But I’m-” the lie came to me suddenly, “Jewish.” I smiled regretfully, sure that that would be an end to it. And they did look taken aback for a second. But then the first one regained her composure and said, “Well, aren’t Jews interested in salvation? Don’t your people want to go to heaven too?”
    _________________
    First of all, Witnesses do not believe in hell. The only hell you face is the one you clearly create for yourself. Secondly, Witnesses don’t believe people on the Earth are going to “Heaven.” So all this is just a sad and vulgar effort at gaining attention. It’s clear you know nothing about the subject. If you want to be a writer it would be better for you to study those who write well. And, if you have children, these postings show your character, or lack thereof, and are part of the legacy you leave for them.

    • Well, thank you for the constructive criticism, and kindly worded. I hope one day when do have children, (it should be obvious from the rest of the blog which I cannot think you’ve read enough of to gauge, that I do not have children) I hope to instill in them manners, respect, and a decidedly un-evangelical spirit. But best to you and yours.

  5. Emily diaz

    Well I dont have nothing bad to say about jehova witness or jw. I personaly think jw are the bestest friend u can ever have, I mean come on they care about stranger by knocking on your door and giving you very intresting pamplets. Like if you give it a chance you’ll realize it does make your life better. Take it from my experience my mom was in drugs and my life was terrible and I juts turn rt

  6. buhle

    I have heard the many jokes about my religion, about JW’s and frankly some of them are innocent and others are totally uncalled for and malicious. The brother in Turkey was right to walk away. No one is gonna force you to listen. They day you become willing and ready to listen to the bible’s message which we wholely believe in and do not manipulate, then you will find your self face to face with a Jehovah’s Witness. I do not understand why you need someone to fight for your soul when you are not willing. To add, we do not believe in damnation and hell, nor do we believe in everyone going to heaven. You do not need to go out of your way to hide from us. If that day you are not interested, we will walk away (depending on the person of course). We don’t go out of our way to be annoying and irritating. This medium you use to speak to other people about your opinions about JW’s should be based on accurate information, especially since our organisation has been more than forth coming about who we are, what we do and why we do it. Take some time to add to your knowledge base about us Witnesses and atleast you can ensure that next time you rant about JW’s , some if not all of your information is as accurate as possible. Check out http://www.jw.org.

    Buhle Mthethwa
    Jehovah’s Winess from South Africa

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